When school drop offs feel impossible

When School Drop-Offs Feel Impossible: Understanding Separation Anxiety (and What Helps)

There’s a specific kind of tension in the air when a child doesn’t want to say goodbye.

I’ve helped peel fingers off the school gate.
I’ve walked kids in as they sobbed and clung to me like an octopus.
I’ve knelt beside cars as parents gently nudged their child out.
And I’ve sat with kids long after the bell — helping them calm, settle, and start their day.

I’ve done it. I’ll do it again.
But it would be so much easier if parents were given the tools to use before that moment.

What is separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety isn’t just “nerves” or “clinginess.”
It’s a real emotional response to being apart from a trusted adult.

It often shows up as tears, refusal, or freezing.
Other times, it looks like shutdown or aggression.
It can be exhausting for the child and the parent.

And it’s incredibly common.

What helps?
Separation anxiety doesn’t go away with force or false reassurance.
It improves with structure, consistency, and emotional safety.

Here are a few tools I regularly recommend:

1. Use the same goodbye script every day
Create a short, predictable ritual:

“I love you. You’re safe. I’ll see you at pickup.”

Say it the same way every time.
Over time, this phrase becomes a cue: “This is when we say goodbye. And I know what happens next.”

2. Start close then gradually pull back
If you’re walking your child in, start by going all the way to the classroom.
Then next week, just to the gate.
Then eventually, drop-off from the car.

The goal is gradual independence, not all at once.

3. Try video modelling with your child
Practise the goodbye routine at home and record them doing it.
Rewatch the video together, narrating what they see:

“That’s you hopping out of the car.”
“Look at you saying goodbye and walking in.”

This gives them a visual, successful rehearsal of what to expect — and how they can do it.

4. Use transitional objects
Let them take something small and familiar with them — a keyring, photo, or sensory item.
It gives them a thread of connection to you, even when you’re not physically there.

Final thoughts
When your child clings, cries, or shuts down at drop-off — it’s not bad behaviour.
It’s fear, uncertainty, and a nervous system trying to stay safe.

But connection doesn’t have to mean staying.
It can mean showing up consistently and saying:

“This is hard. But I know you can do it.”

When we give kids tools and trust
The cling becomes a wave.
And the octopus starts to let go.

At Behaviour for Learning, I support families to build smoother mornings and calmer transitions, routines that actually work for your child.
No more peeling them off the gate. Let’s create a plan that feels safe, clear, and doable.